motherhood; wow.

I have a 10 year old daughter. Amazing. Completely amazing. SO amazing I have to say it again.

I have a 10 year old daughter.

This is something that I can't hardly fathom. a.) Where did the time go? b.) When I was growing up, I never...I mean NEVER babysat. Had no interest in it. The extra money would have been nice...but I just didn't know how. c.) I didn't really like little kids. Or babies. I remember when our pastor came over to visit with his new infant son. We were sitting in the living room and he said, "Would you like to hold him?" and without waiting for a reply, put the baby on my lap. You'd have thought someone just dropped a bag of poop on me. I didn't know what to do! I kept thinking, "Get it off me, get it off me, GET IT OFF ME!" I think my facial expression must have given it away...they took the baby back rather fast.

I was the youngest in my family so there was never anyone younger than me to torture or practice on. The torture was reserved for my OLDER brother. It was my life. I studied and figured out the precise point at which to inflict pain. My favorite was to jump on his back and stick my chin, the second strongest point in the human body, into that soft area between the clavicle and shoulder. He would scream in agony and start yelling for our parents.

"Mom! She did it AGAIN!", he would cry.

"What?"

"She did it AGAIN."

Of course with my cherubic face and shrug of my shoulders I usually didn't get into too much trouble. Besides, it would have been worth it anyway. Like the time I spent my whole allowance on my brother at Cedar Point buying him french fries, cotton candy, hot dogs....the works. All so I could see that perculiar shade of green that only comes when someone is about to puke.

Charles's is his name. Not his Christian God given name, although close. Charles; Chuck to his friends. Charles's to me.

Everything was Charles's growing up. Charles's room, Charles's records, Charles's stereo and toys and books and pets, Charles's car. Charles's, Charles's, Charles's. He calles me 'Trub'...short for Trub-L-Maker. Guess I got that one because of my chin.

I love my brother. He never had the opportunity (yet) to have children...so he's stuck being the Uncle to Trub Jr. - my daughter. She hasn't perfected the chin move yet, but is working on it. She has her own tecniques in which to bug my brother. I've been training her well.

20 years ago it seems all my friends could talk about was getting married and how many kids they were going to have. Please. I had no interest in either. But yet, here I am with my 10 year old daughter wondering how futile my life would have been like without her gleeful face to look at, to hear her wonderful laugh, to share in lifes fun and quirky moments. I no longer have the husband, but he gave me the best gift of all - the gift of life. Everything changed with her first breath. I can't imagine how empty the world would be without her.

Having her in my life has changed my perspective on life, children, the world and the people in it. I've always been of an optimisitc nature...but my daughter just brings out the best in me. Although I can no longer watch movies where children get hurt; emotionally or otherwise. The movie Dark Water with Jennifer Connelly tore me up....for weeks.

I can't think of anything more rewarding than being a mom. Sometimes it can be hard....but boy, I tell ya, it's all worth every moment. My old pastor would be so proud.

:-)