more warped by the hour glass...

"I tried to stop it, but I was trapped. The car was out of control. No driver, the passenger useless for help, me trapped in the back and there were people in the path of the car..."

The other morning my friends and I gathered at the local coffee shop for a little bit of java joe, a tasty morsel or two and a lot of conversation. It was exceedingly cold with a fresh layer snow over the ice left from the winter storm that had barreled through the night before. It was also extremely bright with the suns rays reflecting off everything but the salt stained cars.

From my comfy chair between the window and the fireplace, I had a good view of the passersby this frigid morning. I guiltily enjoyed watching the woman in her stiletto boots slip and fall as she tried unsuccessfully to navigate the pile of snow on the curb. Slip...smack! Down she went. Why she had on stilettos in the wake of a snowstorm is beyond me. But it was quite amusing, especially when she saw that her fauxpas did not go unnoticed by the patrons within.

As conversations jumped from topic to topic; husband back from a Haiti supply drop; new haircut deemed successful; children once again in the hoosegow for missing homework...I told my klatch about my previous nights dream. I hadn't slept much, I just manged to tick the hours by by looking at the illuminated clock on my nightstand every hour and twelve minutes. It was a mathematically wonder. 11:14. 12: 26. 1:38. 2:50. And so it went the entire evening until my programmed alarm buzzed. As if I needed it. I was a warped, but consistent hour glass.

Coffee was needed this morning. Large quantities of it if I was going to make it through my day.

I have the tendency to recall dreams. I do much of my list making and next days planning when I dream. I keep a tablet on my bed stand so I can jot ideas down, so I won't forget when morning comes...which does happen often. When I recounted my dream to my friends, they all chimed in with it's meaning, which I hadn't even thought about.

I was upstairs on the third floor of my home and looked out the window to see what all the loud commotion was in front of my house. Here was a large dump truck parked at the end of my drive, with the driver poised and ready to pull the lever to dump 10 tons of loose bricks on the apron of my drive. I held my hands to the sides of my mouth to try to make myself heard below . I screamed, "NO! Wrong driveway!" But to no avail. The bricks tumbled from the back and made an enormous, haphazard pile. As I ran down the stairs to try to catch this fool that just ruined my yard, my driveway, my morning with this pile of ruble, the first thought that came to mind was, "Maybe, just maybe I can drive over them? It might not be too bad after all..." But I didn't get downstairs fast enough, the driver was pulling away. He kept leaning out his truck to pick up loose bricks from off the road that had fallen out of the truck on his way up the street. I stood and watched as he leaned out too far and fell from the truck. It continued barreling up the street without a driver and crashed into some parked cars at the end of our road. I ran up to the driver and demanded his name, the company's name, why he dumped the bricks, etc....but all my questions went unanswered and were ignored. At that very moment my ex happened by. Inquired what was happening, why I was upset. He said he'd give me a ride back home. I got in the car, which wasn't his but borrowed, a sleek 2 door Mercedes coupe, but had to climb into the cramped back area behind the seats because of another passenger. He looked like Cartman from South Park, and was a little 'touched'...not quite all there. The ex got out of the running car to get something he had forgotten but had left it in neutral and the car started to roll away. I kept telling this guy, the passenger, "Step on the brake pedal! Pull the emergency brake! Do something!" But he did nothing. How could he, he was just made of felt. As we were gaining speed, I noticed that we were going into a street fair blocked off for pedestrian traffic. There were children walking in the path of the rapidly gaining speed car I was in, trapped, unable to do anything. The children kept popping down under the car between the tires, unhurt, and then popping back up like those targets that you shoot with water guns at a fairground. I managed to finally squeeze out of the confined back and pull the emergency brake and bring the car to a stop before anyone was hurt. I opened the car door, fell out crying and collapsed.

The coffee girls in unison said, "Do you feel out of control?" I'm thinking, "...well, yeah, maybe a little. But what's new. Welcome to my world..."

When I got home, I looked up the symbols from my dream. The car? It represents your personal space, spiritual direction and motivation. To be in a car alerts us to our own motivation. To dream that you are in a car crash, indicates that your beliefs, lifestyle, or goals are clashing with another's. It may also represent a shocking situation or painful experience. Being a passenger in the car represents handing over responsibility for our lives to someone else. Dreaming of brakes shows the ability to be in control of a situation, while crashing a vehicle suggests fear of failure in life.

To see a truck in your dream, suggests that you are overworked. You are taking on too many tasks and are weighed down by all the responsibilities. To see a brick in your dream, represents your individual ideas and thoughts. Experience and/or heartbreak may have hardened you. To see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. And to see children in your dream, signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state where you are longing for the past and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured. To save a child, signifies your attempts to save a part of yourself from being destroyed.

Wow. But c'mon.

All of these things could be true, to an extent. Which now freaks me out a little. My mind speaking to me whilst I slept. Thanks be to my posse for filling me in what I didn't acknowledge before they enlightened me. Couldn't we have one image per dream? My brain didn't have to load them all into one, did it? Too bad it couldn't have used my reoccurring dream of Johnny Depp, baby, to overload with images. Why not choose that one? That one was goooooood. Oh no, it had to be the one that would basically tell me when I looked it up that my life (as per my brain) was in shambles.

Have you ever watched that program 'Solitary'? I don't watch it on a regular basis, but the other night I was flipping through my 1000 or so channels looking for something decent to watch for a few moments of down time.

I am intrigued by the premise of this show; placed in a small room with the only contact a disembodied voice. I thought to see what 'treatments' the computer was going to instill on it's human inhabitants.

Interestingly enough after being alone, speaking only with a computer without sleep, put through physical tasks, mental tasks...the inhabitants are introspective and share insights into their psyche. The episode had a Romanian writer, Florin, as contestant #4. He shared, "If I put something off and don't attempt it because I'm afraid I'll fail. Yet by not attempting it, I've failed already."

While I listened to him talk about this in his lilting accented voice, it hit home.

There are times that I don't want to do something. So I neglect it. I put it off. The mentality of 'Out of sight, out of mind'.

Yeah, not good practice. It doesn't always work to my advantage.

Take into consideration the film "House of Sand and Fog" with Jennifer Connelly and Ben Kingsley. The film firmly fixes itself in the realms of classic tragedy, and all could have been avoided if Jennifer Connelly would've opened her damn mail. Seriously. That's what it boiled down to.

I know from personal experience. If you ignore tasks, to hopefully disappear so you won't have to deal with them, it only makes matters worse. I joke that I must have been a farmer in a past life. When it gets light; I get up. When it gets dark; I go to bed. I also must have been an ostrich at one time as well. If something bothers me, really bothers me...I disappear. I put my head in the sand and wait for it to blow over.

When in this state, don't expect me to answer the phone, return e-mails, or have social lunches when I in 'ostrich mode'. It's not going to happen. I retreat within myself and wait.

Sometimes it just takes me an hour or two to 'heal', get over what's bugging me. Sometimes days; or months. I'd guesstimate that I've been functioning lately at about 65%. I didn't realize how deeply my mothers passing has affected me. Sure, outwardly it appears as all is normal. I get Boo to school on time, make sure all details of her life are taken care of. But for me? Not so much. I ignore my needs many times.

I didn't send out Christmas cards this year. I've never done that. I've yet to answer some of the correspondence from the funeral. I've perused and corresponded with some on eHarmony, but I've not followed up with any of them. There have been offers of coffee, or drinks...but I don't answer. I don't make those plans. Is that what my brain was telling me?

That on a basic level, I'm sometimes afraid of life like Florin was.

Or I'll climb into that driverless car. With Cartman, no less.

Come to think of it, I might look good in felt.

But what I'd really like is some good old fashioned sleep. Without the planning. Without the lists. And definitely without bricks, without trucks and without crashing cars into small children.

Yeah. I want some sleep.

I don't need my mind telling me stuff that I really don't want to acknowledge. At least for today. Maybe tomorrow. I dig procrastination.

Is that okay?

Yeah. That's sounds good.

Sleep.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

:-)